Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
